Pop Life
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Here I am again. I didn't mention this last time but I was trying to stick to a thing of no more casual sex. That lasted until a couple of weeks ago (so it had been 3.5 months) when I got together with this guy. It was OK. Just OK. Cut to Saturday and my dick starts burning when I pee. Great. I tried to go see a doctor today but all I could do was make an appointment for tomorrow.
So, I'm writing this in the hope that I do stop with the casual sex now. I don't do it for a while and miss the physical contact then think "Well come on, what are the chances of getting something AGAIN?" Well, I did. It hurts to pee. I don't have health insurance and I'm going to have to shell out a couple hundred dollars to get looked at. It's just not worth the drama. I feel terrible. I'm not talking about physical pain. This is what I want to remind myself of. How terrible I feel when crap happens and it's always a risk. Also, remember the worst case scenario. This is it and it seems to keep happening to me.
Monday, March 05, 2007
It's been a while my old friend. I'm having a crappy day. My job might end, the other possibilities look crappy, I don't have a Green Card yet, my room mate's addicted to pills, his friend called his boyfriend to talk about it, I overheard it and told my room mate to watch his behaviour and then stupid fuckhead calls that friend telling him what I said. Fucking idiot, now the friend thinks I can't be trusted. Also, I just got flaked on for Christina Aguilera. So, fuck everyone. Why the fuck is everyone crazy?
Saturday, September 23, 2006
I was going through old emails to find what snacks I want from Clare, think I told her recently in an email. Anyway, I came across this note. Liked it, want to have a record of it:
I still sort of don't get how he kisses me (and I never made any move to kiss him, that was him, he kissed me as soon as I sat down on his bed next to him), seems into it and gave me a big hug afterwards and we have established that he likes me as a person but he doesn't see me in "that" way.
I think I'm finally not having casual sex anymore. Never say never but I feel like I might be able to handle it now. Going in for suspected STDs is just too humiliating and I can't handle the judgement. This serves as a reminder to me too.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Damn man, it's been 3 months. A little update:
First I'll cover Joseph and move on. I finally told him I didn't want to chat to him anymore. We had not chatted in a while and I finally decided that. He IMd me out of the blue one day and after a brief chat, I told him I thought it would be better if we didn't chat anymore because I want real friends, not online buddies. He apologized for not being a better friend.
Now time to update on the men. Let's see, the recent ones. Well there was Clint. Hot, lived around the corner. But I was only a back up bang to him. I discovered that when I emailed him about together a second time. He said he was up for it but was going out of town the following week (kind of odd response since I didn't ask to get together next week) so maybe after that. Then a couple of nights later I see him on manhunt looking for action. And he was still in LA. I emailed him on there and wrote "Looking for some action before heading out of town huh?" He wrote back "Guilty." He seemed to think it was amusing. I just wrote back "I'm off to bed, see ya." He has not emailed me again, no big surprise, and I have not emailed him either. I don't want to be a back up bang.
Moving on to Stephen. Stephen was a guy from Craig's List. He responded to my ad. He looked good the first time I went over. A bit toothy. Didn't really plan to go see him again. Because he was older and just now pursuing his dream of an acting career. No agent, no SAG. No thanks. But he kept in touch. And I finally went over and saw him again. I guess he was my back up bang. Not as attracted to him. It was nice but not that into him. Also, he had this odd bloating that made me wonder if he was Poz. In the moment, I figured he wasn't because my ad had said I was looking for disease free guys. and didn't he respond that he was disease free? When I got home, I checked all the old emails and no mention of being disease free. Great! I ran into him at Whole Foods the other day. I saw him first and then turned a corner so he wouldn't see me. Then I saw him outside, I gave him a quick wave that I'm not sure he saw and continued on my way. Have not heard from him since. He realized I was avoiding him at the supermarket because he was emailing me very regularly to get together again before the second time.
I went to get tested for HIV. I was a little freaked because I blew him some and I had a little canker sore in my mouth at the time. Test came back negative. Would have been unlikely but I'm paranoid.
Moving on to Charles. Oh wait, I posted an ad on Craig's List yesterday and got one response. ONE! I guess it was too wordy and tryig to be clever. Maybe it came off as too picky and demanding, not the specifics of what kind of guy I was looking for but the other stuff. Also, I didn't post any pictures.
Anyway, I responded to Charles' ad on Craig's List. He responded 90 minutes later or something like that. He just wrote "Weird, I only just got your email." I figured "Bullshit," but was more interested in whether I was attracted to him. He looked cute. So, I went over. It was nice, we went for two rounds. He didn't want any reciprocation. Nice arms but a gut on him and back hair. He swallowed. I don't think I will see him again. His bathroom was dirty, he probably lied and had probably blown someone else just before me (back up bang once again!) plus not into reciprocation. He told me he wanted to see me again. Possibly have me fuck him next time. I felt bad about this encounter afterwards, that I didn't think much about being a back up bang. Also, disappointed because I want more than just casual sex. Don't feel so bad now that I have written it all out. But I do want a relationship.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Um. I'm lonely and feeling sad. I got laid today. This guy called Kevin. It was average. I was a little too big for him I think. It was hard to be comfortable, really get into it and let go because of the cast. Also, he lives in a dumpy building. One of those horrible places, it had astroturf on the balcony. He was into swallowing and I should have let him but I wanted to shoot out and made a mess on myself. Then I came home and showered again. I wind up feeling disappointed afterwards because sure I have needs but ultimately hooking up is not what I want. I emailed Tim late last night, the overweight good head giver. I emailed him very late and he didn't respond. I figured i I heard back from him, I would explain that I have not been doing the hook up thing but I shouldn't, don't want to give him the impression that thereis something between us.
And now on to another subject that I try to avoid. Joseph. Oh, I'm disappointed. We hardly chat anymore. I emailed him recently to tell him that I miss chatting to him and am disappointed that he doesn't want to be my friend. He wrote back to ask what I'm talking about, of course he likes me, he is just hardly ever on AIM anymore, if he didn't like me, he would simply not chat to me anymore. He also asked if he had done anything to make me think that and mentioned that he IM'd me a few days before and I wasn't around. I missed him by 5 minutes and then he was offline. I wrote back that since we don't do things together that I figured for him, it was just a case of 'Well yeah, I chat to him when I don't have anything better to do and I'm pretty bored.' I also wrote that I thought he was giving me a brush off by telling me he was busy and that I haven't IM'd him lately because I thought I should leave him alone and I would feel disappointed after we chatted. Then we chatted and he said him not being online has nothing to do with me.
Maybe I'm just being demanding and should just accept it for what it is, a casual online chat friendship. Oh come on, we used to chat almost every night before. Of course I should be disappointed. And even though he said he likes me, I also think 'Well don't you miss chatting to me?' Why don' t we do stuff together then? So, for him I guess it's like I said, he just chats to me when he has nothing better to do, nothing going on with his regular friends. He doesn't think of me to do things with. I thought I would invite him to go see Human League with me and if he passes then I just have to give it the slip. I also feel like I want to tell him something along the lines of "If you don't want me to be a part of your regular life and just be an online buddy, I can't do that and I think it's better if you don't IM me anymore because I just end up feeling disappointed. I don't want an online buddy, I want real friends."
I also want to tell him next time I speak to him (whenever that will be) that I know my email might have seemed a little strange but can he understand how I would feel disappointed when we used to chat all te time and we don't anymore.
Anyway, I have to go eat.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Good evening my old friend. Well, I hooked up this week. With a guy called Adam. Who I have chatted to more than once in the past 2 or 3 years. Dumb ass. Or maybe he does remember me. I found him on a site once a couple of years ago. He had a profile and looked hot. I got in touch and he responded. We never got together though. Reluctance on his part I like to think. If I remember correctly he IM'd me late one night looking for me to join in a 3-way and I don't think I was up for it. I responded to his Craig's List in the last couple of months and he passed on me after I said I wasn't up for rimming. He did that jerky thing of not bothering to reply to me and that was the cue that he was out. Then he had another ad earlier this week. I thought it might be him. I wound up going over. He was into me, cast and all. He rimmed me. He shot a small load. He met me out on the street. At first I thought he was passing since he came out to let his dog do his business and just walked by. So I kept looking at him. Then he walked by again and I had the window rolled down and said hello. I thought maybe he was just going to go off and not say anything and I was thinking 'Hey fucker, you better be decent enough to say it's not a match and not just go by.' Anyway he was really into me. He emailed me the following morning to tell me I was "damn sexy." And he wanted me to go over the following night. I passed and told him maybe next week. I didn't think he was as hot in person as his picture but he was OK. Big on poppers which I discovered I am not into. The smell is awful. I told him I'm not into that in emails and he's cool with not having them next time. I might see him again.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Hello old secret blog.
So, time for some confession.
I feel like a big loser lately. When am I going to come across a guy who is decent, cute and interested/available? I just found out today that Gary is now dating someone. Even the ones I barely know and are cute aren't available.
Also, life is kind of boring lately. I wouldn't care so much about having a boyfriend if I had friends to do fun things with. I like the friends I have, I just want more. I want someone who wants to go to Erasure and Gay Pride. I need a popper friend.
Oh yeah and a new job too please.
I found myself thinking about Tim today. Tim, the overweight guy who looked OK in the face but had a horrible body, bit his nails and he wasn't hard, even though he really seemed to be into my dick. I left his place and regretted it even though he gave really good head. I guess I'm just lonely. And horny. Hell, I haven't gotten laid in about 6 weeks.
