Sunday, May 14, 2006

 
Um. I'm lonely and feeling sad. I got laid today. This guy called Kevin. It was average. I was a little too big for him I think. It was hard to be comfortable, really get into it and let go because of the cast. Also, he lives in a dumpy building. One of those horrible places, it had astroturf on the balcony. He was into swallowing and I should have let him but I wanted to shoot out and made a mess on myself. Then I came home and showered again. I wind up feeling disappointed afterwards because sure I have needs but ultimately hooking up is not what I want. I emailed Tim late last night, the overweight good head giver. I emailed him very late and he didn't respond. I figured i I heard back from him, I would explain that I have not been doing the hook up thing but I shouldn't, don't want to give him the impression that thereis something between us.

And now on to another subject that I try to avoid. Joseph. Oh, I'm disappointed. We hardly chat anymore. I emailed him recently to tell him that I miss chatting to him and am disappointed that he doesn't want to be my friend. He wrote back to ask what I'm talking about, of course he likes me, he is just hardly ever on AIM anymore, if he didn't like me, he would simply not chat to me anymore. He also asked if he had done anything to make me think that and mentioned that he IM'd me a few days before and I wasn't around. I missed him by 5 minutes and then he was offline. I wrote back that since we don't do things together that I figured for him, it was just a case of 'Well yeah, I chat to him when I don't have anything better to do and I'm pretty bored.' I also wrote that I thought he was giving me a brush off by telling me he was busy and that I haven't IM'd him lately because I thought I should leave him alone and I would feel disappointed after we chatted. Then we chatted and he said him not being online has nothing to do with me.

Maybe I'm just being demanding and should just accept it for what it is, a casual online chat friendship. Oh come on, we used to chat almost every night before. Of course I should be disappointed. And even though he said he likes me, I also think 'Well don't you miss chatting to me?' Why don' t we do stuff together then? So, for him I guess it's like I said, he just chats to me when he has nothing better to do, nothing going on with his regular friends. He doesn't think of me to do things with. I thought I would invite him to go see Human League with me and if he passes then I just have to give it the slip. I also feel like I want to tell him something along the lines of "If you don't want me to be a part of your regular life and just be an online buddy, I can't do that and I think it's better if you don't IM me anymore because I just end up feeling disappointed. I don't want an online buddy, I want real friends."

I also want to tell him next time I speak to him (whenever that will be) that I know my email might have seemed a little strange but can he understand how I would feel disappointed when we used to chat all te time and we don't anymore.

Anyway, I have to go eat.
8:27 PM